Humor

Got to remember to get milk on the way home from work tonight. Cheerios without milk are not so good.
In case you are having a week like I am, I offer some of my favorite jokes:
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A woman walked up to a wrinkled, little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
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Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page;
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, favored by local musicians.
It was decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts they'd quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking (and feeling) dumb for twenty minutes.Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious!
And why not? After all (get ready, here it comes...)
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.
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(Some Mormons get a kick out of this, some do not...I do.)
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter offers him a tour of heaven which he accepts. They walk down a long white corridor and St. Peter shows the man a door and says,
"This is where the Catholics stay." The man looks inside and sees a lot of people playing harps, reading the Bible and taking communion. Everyone seems happy and peaceful.
"Hmm," thinks the man "that's really nice." They continue down the hall and St. Peter offers him a glimpse through another door.
"This is where the Protestants stay." The man sees people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air and he thinks this is also okay. After viewing a few more rooms St. Peter whispers that they need to be really quiet here and they tiptoe past a door. Once they're down the hall the man asks St. Peter who was in that room.
"That's where the Mormons are." St. Peter says.
"They think they're the only ones up here."
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Thank you, thank you, you've been great - I'm here all week. Try the veal!