On Empty

I have nothing, Internet peeps. No-thing.

We spent a week on tenterhooks waiting to see if we're pregnant - we're not - and besides the inevitable letdown from that, I can not think of anything to blog about. This is the problem with not having a wild and jam-packed schedule; no post materials.

Tarzan's mother and aunt are in town so I don't have to sit with his grandfather learning interesting tidbits with which to blackmail - I mean share - with the rest of the family.

Tarzan has required continuing education classes for school so he's not home a lot and when he is he's wiped. All the TV shows have had their finales so no shallow entertainment news. We have watched a lot of Stargate SG-1. (Thank you Netflix.) So dang cute and funny, the whole lot of them. Richard Dean Anderson, sigh. Michael Shanks, double sigh. How can you not love this look?: But, all drooling aside, that's it.

The weather has been unremarkable - warm-ish, kind of sunny, some days.

The cats pretty much look after themselves.

And that is my life. What have I done you ask, other than slobber on myself? Laundry, dishes, errands, bank runs - did you know you can't cash foreign - as in Frozen Northern - checks in The Jungle without a WHOLE lot of effort and money for fees? - smogged the car, vacuumed stuff, filed stuff, budgeted stuff, you know the boring usual stuff that does not make for entertaining blog posts.

This is me, with nothing in the remotest bit interesting to say.

Who Invented Them?

People are so annoying. Not individuals - there are lots of individuals I love and think are super smart and really fun and totally great - but as a race, as a large single group, humans suck. So selfish and self centered, unfeeling, uncompassionate and totally unforgiving. It blows my mind sometimes.

Then there was this comic in the paper this morning:

And I was so happy that someone else sees the hypocrisy and unholy waste of it all.

This is me, thanking you Brooke McEldowney.

While I Was Out

In order to fulfill the compunction to document every moment in my highly entertaining life I give you the events of the - latest - five days I was without the Internet.
Firstly, Dancing With the Stars had it's finale for this season and it was not a great surprise when Shawn Johnson won. Mark's reaction was rather melodramatic, I thought, for a shiny mirror ball trophy that doesn't mean anything. I was disappointed for Gilles since that would have given Cheryl three wins and he was good, but their freestyle routine was not enough about him. Shawn's was weird, but it definitely included actual dance steps which is one of my pet peeves about the show. All clear until the fall.
I went to the dentist - again - and FINALLY got my permanent crown in. It was the same mightily irritating situation with two hygienists holding my lips back and my tongue down while the dentist ground the crown down far enough for my mouth to close but it's in and I am thankful. They did make me sign a paper saying it was lovely and fit and all that. Is that normal? Will they be all legal and stuff if I go back and ask to get it adjusted? It's not bad, it doesn't hurt and I can chew but I keep biting my cheek because of one little blip I can feel on the outside
I have been sitting with Tarzan's grandfather in the afternoons four days a week and I am certainly getting an education. I am sure some of his attitudes can be chocked up to old age, but surely not ALL of them. He's debunking some of the myths that have circulated amongst the family for longer than I have been coming to the parties and it's very eye-opening to see his side of a story that's been told about him by dozens of people.
All in all, it's not a wild life I lead, I know. But tomorrow is a holiday - the weather has been just PERFECT lately - and Tarzan and I have an ENTIRE day together with no obligations and we may just spend the whole day in bed.
Because we can.

This is me, caught up and looking down the barrel of a holiday weekend.

Never Assume Anything

Soooo, apparently, when one tells the phone company that they want their original phone number back and the customer service guy assigns a temporary number while the one they want is found and returned from the cable company one should ALSO tell the phone company that they want the DSL connected to the temporary line to transfer with the phone number.
Yeah.
Because our phone company did not ask and I figured when I said I need my phone number back and ALL THE SERVICES I HAD PREVIOUSLY, I was not specific enough.
It's enough to make me want to take up cursing.

This is me, feeling sorry for the technical guy I had on the line for 90 minutes trying to fix a DSL line that was actually disconnected. Oops.

It's Like A Bad Dream

I have not forgotten you Internet friends, I really haven't. That situation last month that I promised to never whine about again has reared it's perplexingly uncommunicative head and I am typing this in my car borrowing the wireless connection from the library down the block. All will be revealed when they fix my Internet - again.

This is me, without my lifeline.

Once More Into The Breach

SOMEbody didn't pray hard enough...I'm looking at you Minnesota. Isn't it funny at the types of comments one gets from posts like my last one? There are the "Good Luck!" no questions asked people. Then the "Good Luck" is there something I can do people. Also the "Good Luck?" can I inquire what for people. And, my personal favorite, the "Good Luck" but only if you tell me what it's all about what's going on did something bad happen are you moving pregnant leaving got a new job sick dying you're gonna kill me if you tell me!!! people. Highly amused. These must be the people who buy The National Enquirer and other tabloids.
But on to my point. It seems my dentist woes are not yet complete. I went to the dentist yesterday to have the temporary crown replaced with the pretty new one and hopefully never have to view a person from upside down again. I went early to the office in the hopes of getting in early. Ha ha ha. Joke's on you Jane.
I waited an hour. An hour before they called me to go sit in the chair and wait. THEN the hygienist, technician looking guy comes to me and asks would I like to make an appointment for next week since MY DENTIST ISN'T IN and she really needs to be present for the crown. My dentist isn't in. She's NOT THERE. I do my utmost to be polite and calm in situations. I try not to fly off the handle when things do not go my way. But I did jump up and down on the handle a little bit yesterday because are they kidding me? At some point could they not have let me know my dentist wasn't in. And of course they were falling all over themselves apologizing for my having to come back and the dentist gets upset if she doesn't get to follow through on a patient's procedure, blah blah blah. As if that was what was making me steam? I can come back sure, but wouldn't it have been better to let me know that an hour and a half ago instead of leading me on like that? Gah!
But wait, it gets better. When I got home there was a message on the voicemail FROM THE DENTIST informing my parents that I had missed my appointment. I almost cried.

This is me, going back next week.

Good Vibes

Wish me luck Internet peoples.
(You can pray a bit too if you are so inclined.)

This is me, on tenderhooks for a while.

The Semi-Finals

Apparently this is like some sort of competition or something? Because they could not stop saying Semi Finals, capitols included, all night long. But we are coming down to the end of it. DWTS will be over in a mere two weeks, at least until the fall. When the insanity starts again.

• I think Karina and Louis are a much better pairing that Louis and Lacey. Love the compilation numbers with the professionals before each round.
• Did anyone else think the complete recap of two dances per couple was a little bit extensive? I liked the commentary and what they they liked and disliked about each dance, but that doesn't take two numbers worth to say. Cut and paste, edit-guys, cut and paste.
• Melissa and Tony's quickstep was pretty and I liked her dress, a lot. It was quick and elegant - I really want to learn quickstep though Tarzan wonders when we would ever use it - I could not see any heel leads like they had practiced though.
• Cheryl and Gilles waltz was gorgeous. He really did implement the things from rehearsal into the performance. He had great rise and fall and he was elegant. No sharp edges with his elbows or anything. It was awesome. I didn't like Cheryl's dress - it makes her look wider than she is.
• Shawn and Mark's Argentine tango was highly entertaining and the musical hits were bang on. I didn't feel it in the middle as much, a little less sharp in parts than it could have been.
• Ty and Chelsie danced a waltz that was a little faster than the norm (they CALL it Viennese, but you all know what I think of that) which was lovely. There was a minor stumble in the middle there, he didn't catch her in time or whatever, but his rise and fall is awesome and the man looks mighty good in a tux.
• Melissa and Tony's cha-cha was a little softer than I expect the cha-cha to be. It wasn't as sharp and quick as it could have been. Not bad, but not spectacular. She really hasn't grown as a dancer in this competition. Elegant and complete, but no marked improvement.
• Gilles and Cheryl's salsa was very good - great color on the outfits - and fun. What's more to say? The musicality was excellent and though he's French, the Latin comes through his hips.
• Shawn and Mark's jive was totally polka-dotted - Mark does love his white sock and black shoe combo - and cute. It seemed there was a misstep in the middle maybe? But not bad at all.
• Ty and Chelsie's samba was definitely cute. The man just has no hips. He goes solid from shoulders to knees. He's so adorable and he tries so hard. I still want one for my very own.
• Sam just needs to stop talking. Just. Stop.

Has anyone heard of Raphael Saadiq? He performed on the results show. Not bad and that is the longest, brightest, curliest guitar cord I have ever seen. The professional competition is still highly amusing to me. I predict that the blond Anna will win the spot for next season - doesn't she look like Minnie Mouse? - but I want Mayo to win in part because he looks like PhatFiddle. (What was with all the digs at Maks?) That Design-A-Dance number was not my fav, lemme just say. How did they pick the two most obnoxious women to dance and WHO dances quickstep in a mini-skirt? It was not a surprise that Ty and Chelsie got sent home. It has been a bit of a surprise that he stayed this long.

This is me with the less than astounding news.

Mondays

No doctor, man OR woman should be THAT happy and chipper at THAT hour on a Monday morning ESPECIALLY when looking at my lady business.
(Thanks Jennepper for the euphemism.)

This is me, done with the Monday.

Cereal Consumption

Is it better to not have enough milk for the bowl of cereal you thought you were going to have for breakfast or not enough cereal for the milk?
I'm of the opinion that the latter is better, because you can eat the cereal slowly and pretend it was a full serving but if you don't have enough milk then the cereal is all dry and crunchy and just doesn't give the same effect.
Thoughts?

This is me, with fewer Cheerios than she wanted.

Older Man

Sweetest thing I've heard in a while:
"When I see the High Command, I'll put in a good word for Jane."

(This is came to me via Tarzan's grandfather this afternoon. As you may have remembered I am sitting with the guy on occasion (that has grown to four days a week this month - looooong story, don't ask))


This is me, touched.

In Case You Missed It

See, it's been days and still I have to put this post in or I feel like I'm gypping future readers who might really want to know the gory details of each and every week on DWTS and have only my blog to use. (That's quite the opinion I have of myself no?) So here we are.

• LOVED the opening number. I miss having Louis Van Amstel on the show. (I suspect it became harder to find short celebrities for him to dance with.) I should be a celebrity and then I could dance with the rubber man. He's soooo flexible, it's insane.
• Shawn and Mark's quickstep was quick. Did it seem a little TOO silly and quirky for the ballroom round? Mark's accent still cracks me up during the rehearsals.
• Ty and Chelsie's Argentine tango had really great music - I did not like her dress much - and he is just my favorite for looks this season. He's so cute and so sweet. He won't win but he's so yummy.
• L'il Kim and Derek's waltz was nice and sweet but not her best I don't think. And again, if she wouldn't talk, I would be much more inclined to vote for her.
• Gilles and Cheryl's foxtrot was too Latin for my taste. After all the talk about soft arms and floating, his arms were often sharp and quick. Of course, Fever, one of my favorite songs, is not quite the soft and floating song one might think.
• Melissa and Tony's waltz (that was NOT a Viennese Waltz) was soft and lovely - I hated her dress - but if you watch her feet, as Len surely does, she has no rise and fall. Tony rise and falls as he is supposed to but her head was level the whole time.
• I don't think Lacey and Louis were a good match - she messed up a few times in that professional number - but Anna and Jonathan are so perfect. You can tell they really speak to each other without words. (Len really needs to not use American slang.)
• Shawn and Mark's paso doble had crappy music. Mark's face was definitely in character but I thought Shawn looked bored rather than determined. And she does the steps well, but she's not too aggressive and it's such an aggressive dance.
• It's too bad the audience doesn't vote for the judges because they often talk like they are.
• Ty and Chelsie's rumba was not good, even though he tries so hard. His arm extensions are good but he just doesn't have any hips. And the rumba makes it obvious when one does and doesn't.
• I was scared to watch L'il Kim and Derek's salsa, just because of how much emphasis they put on her being a "nasty girl." But if anything she was stiff and they got out of sync there for a few steps. Maybe she was worried about her solo bit?
• Gilles and Cheryl's rumba was everything you wanted it to be. He even remembered to move his hips when standing still. What was with the butterfly on Cheryl's 'dress?' It was steamy and the technique was mostly good. The beginning and end were unnecessary and it might have affected the continuity.
• Did Samantha make a joke? A joke that was funny? It's a miracle people, a real miracle!
• Melissa and Tony's samba was not as fast as I am used to the samba being. Maybe it's that she's so tall and lanky, but it seemed a light and airy samba and that's not really the character of the dance. She's good, no question, but the Latin needs some depth.

The results show was awesome. If only because of DanceCenter. Kenny Mayne has made more being a loser than anyone else has winning. It's kind of hilarious. (I did not need to see them all shirtless though. Scary.) I was not a fan of what Jamie Cullum did to Frank's song, but the professional dancers were good. That was one of the fastest quicksteps I have ever seen. It's like it was on fast-forward. And the star dancers were also interesting. The celebrity competition was interesting and was TOTALLY not expecting Alec Mazo's brother to get eliminated. That man is HOT! And how did they choose the celebrities to bring back for them to dance with? Cody? Maurice? Lisa? It's been a long time since they danced. And dang, I thought Cody was tall but compared to Mayo, he is a midget. Mayo is ta-a-a-a-all. Too bad we can't introduce him to my really cool blogging friend in Alabama.

• I did not love Afton and Cody's samba. In fact, I thought he dragged her down. She did not look as good with him as she did with another professional.
• I totally want Mayo to win. Even with Lisa and the dress ripping - which was weird - he looked good and she did well with the quickstep.
• Anna and Maurice were the best dance overall - though you could hide a myriad of faults in that skirt - and I expect she will be the professional who gets chosen.

!! Are the voters insane? L'il Kim and Derek were eliminated?! That's the weirdest thing to have happened since that Disney kid got sent home so early in their competition. Ty was my pick for elimination and I almost had this entry finished and then they announced her instead and I had to rewrite it. I don't like her and I didn't vote for her - I didn't vote for him either - but L'il Kim was the better dancer. Wow. Fans are weird.

This is me, shocked.

The Alternate Species

Men are an interesting species. Some days I really want to be one and other days I want to punch them all in the head. I wonder if it's the same from their point of view?

This is me, irritated.

A Little Goes A Long Way

That was a party. Tarzan's cousin threw a gorgeous party for her mom - Tarzan's father's only sister - at a swanky restaurant in the Upper Jungle area. There were nearly two hundred people there, all flashing rocks and diamonds the size of my head, chatting and kiss-kissing and drinking and doing all the things they do at party scenes in the movies. Which was not unreal, since a lot of these people are involved with the movies.
The toasts were heartfelt, she is a lovely lady, the food was marvelous and the movie of her life was really well done. The narration was by her grandchildren which was adorable, and she's had quite a life - dancing with Ben Blue for one. (I considered trying to post it here for y'all, but it's MASSIVE in memory and it would not do the thing justice. You'll just have to come to my house and watch it on the big screen.)
Music Man was in town for it - his sister after all - and Tarzan and I really felt glad to be able to attend as well.
And yet...although it was a wonderful event I can't imagine how some people spend their whole lives schmoozing like that. My face hurt from smiling and my brain hurt from thinking up witty things to say. It's like wearing a really sexy pair of shoes. You look great and you feel special, but after a while they start to bother you and eventually all you want is to put on the fuzzy slippers under your bed.
I was so happy to go home when it was all over.


This is me, back to the real world.

Ode To The Man Of My Life

So here it is May and I didn't even get to post the picture of Tarzan's birthday cake. Fortunately for you, I did take one and so it is all okay. Because, though I am two weeks late with this, he is still the most important man to me. Once upon a time that honor fell to my father, but as The Good Book says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." I figure the same applies for women and husbands.

He's a hard worker Tarzan is. Makes me ashamed of myself often at how hard he works and how little it seems I do. On the other hand, he thinks I do a lot, so I wonder if he's just sweet - he is - or if it's a matter of perspective. One man's junk, another man's treasure sort of thing. Odd how the fates of the universe saw fit to steer us in each other's direction. One man who likes food, interesting flavors and isn't afraid to try something weird looking and one girl who likes to cook but isn't all that talented the first time round in the culinary world - a little bit of trial and error - but who also doesn't like to waste. It's a delicate balance. But he's so...happy about dinner, happy every day, even if all we're having is chicken and rice. Makes me smile. So I am super extra glad that his birthday cake came out so well. This is very nearly the same cake I made last year, but it's so good and the strawberries were well worth the effort to form the letters:

(Did you know that "R"s are really hard with only straight lines to work with?)

Smart, funny - no one can make me laugh like Tarzan - tireless, diligent, indefatigable, and so loving. He's a dear. And he's mine. I love you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TARZAN!

This is me, cleaving.